If your girlfriend comes home wearing a white jump suit, smelling like honey and covered with bee stings, then you KNOW she's a keeper.
Does anyone know which page of the Bible explains how to turn water into wine?
Asking for a friend...
Scientists recorded the sound of two helium atoms laughing.
HeHe.
Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement. In the end I ignore it all and just click I agree !!!
I have a meeting at the bank today which, if successful, will leave me debt free.
I'm so excited I can hardly get my ski mask on.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor and this is how the war against the machines begins.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he says Im paranoid. Who else has he told?
I went to the supermarket and tried to steal some spaghetti. But the lady security guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta. (works better when you say it out loud)
I asked my wife when her birthday was.
She said March 1st.
So I walked around the room and asked again.
What do you call a man in debt?
There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
I finished my puzzle today, it took me 6 months and I’m pretty proud of myself. On the box it says 3-5 years.
You know what the leading cause of dry skin is?
You can’t explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things literally.
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilots uniform. I thought it a bit odd. Then I realised he was one of those plane clothes cops.