I was supposed to marry a tailors daughter, but she left me at the alter !!
I swallowed a book about synonyms today. It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.
Anyone know where a guy can find someone to hang out with, maybe have a few beers with, talk to, and kinda just enjoy spending time with?
Asking for a friend.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I replied, No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart... and a terrible memory
So my missus called her Scottish boss this morning and said: "Sorry boss, I won't be able to come in today, I've got a bit of a cough".
He said: "You have a wee cough lassie?"
She said: "Thanks boss - see you next week!"
Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots?
Why are Saturdays and Sundays so strong?
Looking for a job with a coffee company, just for the perks.
Someone replaced all of the buttons in
the elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.
Running your Twitter account counts as Cardio….
An Elf and an Orc walk into a bar. The Dwarf walks under it, laughing.
What do you call bad breath that sneaks up on you?
My IT friend tried to flirt with a waitress and failed miserably. I guess it wasn’t the first time they couldn’t connect to a server.