Last night after a few drinks with my mate and he asked if he could stay on my sofa
I had to explain to him that I’m married now, so thats where I sleep.
A woman was lying in bed crying.
Her husband walked in and asked. “What’s wrong?”
“I had a dream in which a prince took me from you,” she replied.
“Oh my dear, relax it was just a dream,” her husband answered, to which his wife
replied, “I know, that’s why I’m crying.”
It's impossible persuading kids these days to write to Santa. They simply don't believe in the existence... ...of letters.
Not to brag, but I just got hired as a fitness model.
They used me as the "before" picture.
Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin?
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
SpoilerAnswerA Brazilian
Thought for sure the answer was going to be just Juan
So I was in a shoe shop this morning trying on a shoe, I said to the assistant "It's too tight".
She said, "Try it with the tongue out".
I said, "It'th nho ghood, it' th thill thoo thight".
What do you call an ugly dinosaur?
Just been to the gym because they've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick.
It's great, though. It does everything - Crunchie bars, Mars bars, Snickers, chips, the lot.
What do you call a pig that practices karate ?
Pork Chop
Where did Robin Hood buy flowers?
If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.
No need to remind her every half hour.
What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Them: How's the diet going?
Me: Not good... I had eggs for breakfast.
Them: Scrambled?