I've finally reached the age where Happy Hour is a nap.
Marriage is having your spouse sit next to you and play loud videos on their phone while you’re trying to watch your favorite show.
The shortest sentence is I am. The longest sentence is I do.
What's the best type of dog to bring to a library?
What do you call a man who’s been dead 10,000 years?
So at the age of 76, Arnold Schwarzenegger is amazing in the new Terminator film.
The only difference is his catchphrase which has been changed to... "Arrhh me back!"
If a bee is bothering you, don’t swat it or run away, just stare at it.
Because seeing is bee leaving.
You can only see the stars on a finite.
I grilled a chicken for two hours. It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road...
Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?
I saw a maintenance man at the cemetery the other day and asked him if the place was haunted. He said no, he hadn't seen a ghost in over 200 years.
My elderly neighbor John asked me how to print on his computer. I told him it’s Ctrl P and he said he hasn’t been able to do that in ages.
