3 weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair. I’ve heard nothing since…
I was at the museum and saw a painting of a bowl, with milk and some kind of food inside. It was surreal.
Most people would prefer to have the time off between Christmas and New Year, but I have a better idea. I’d like to have the time off between New Year and Christmas.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion. They said he'll be given a tough sentence.
Meet my pet termite Clint...
Clint Eatswood.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I’ve started to dabble in doing some songwriting. My first song is one about pita bread. Well really, it's more of a wrap.
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if people call you fat...”
You’re much bigger than that.
when my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo...
I had to put my foot down.
The only thing I like about xmas is a minced 3.141592654
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be just water.
A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on its way to the warehouse. The police are warning citizens to be on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals.
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said her body hurt whenever she touched it.
“Impossible” said the doctor. “Show me”.
The redhead took her finger, pushed her right breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed. Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
Finally the doctor asked. “You’re not really a redhead are you”?
“Well no” she said. “I’m actually a blonde”.
“I thought so” said the doctor. “You have a broken finger”.
There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people.
Push and pull.
I’m thinking about getting rabbits tattooed on my head...
From a distance, they will look like Hares