(At my boss's funeral kneeling and whispering at coffin)
"Who's thinking outside the box now Trevor?"
Why don't ants get sick?
Me: I left my job today. I couldn’t work for someone after what they said to me.
Wife: What did they say?
Me: You’re fired.
Technically, the borders of Finland are Finnish lines.
You know you're drunk when you get home, put food in the microwave and then enter your pin number.
If your dad is a police officer is it safe to say you have a... Father In Law?
They wanted to charge me $500 for a new hairpiece but that was too much toupee.
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, Anything you say can will be held against you. Man replies Boobs!
You're living, you occupy space and have mass.
What does that mean?
You matter.
When ordering food at a restaurant, I
asked the waiter how they prepare
their chicken.
"Nothing special", he explained. "We
just tell them they're going to die."
What do you call a fat psychic?
What's the difference between Iron Man and Aluminium Man?
Finally my winter fat has gone! I now have spring rolls.
Microwave
(n.) A hand gesture used by a
small person to say hello.
Lexus is just a Corolla wearing yoga pants.
