My least favourite colour is purple. I dislike it more than red and blue combined.
A woman with a salad walked past me in a restaurant and said: You know a cow died so you could eat that beef burger.
I said: If you weren’t eating it’s food it may have lived…
You know what actually makes me smile?
The most judgemental of hot tubs is of course the j’accuzzi
Teacher: Use dandelion in a sentence
Jamaican kid: de cheetah is faster dandelion
What do you call a flirty philosopher?
I heard on the news Elton John gained a lot of weight and needs specially made pants.
Goodbye normal jeans.
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
My therapist told me “write letters to the people you hate and then burn them”. Did that, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the hokey pokey, but Ive turned myself around.
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store. I don't think he is going to find what he's looking for...
Can you make me breakfast in bed? asked the wife. I said; No I’ll have to go to the kitchen.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in to a bar... You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.
Why did the sad ghost use an elevator?
