What do you call a man with cat scratches all over his head ?
Whats the difference between a sea and a sale?
My teacher said I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtractions.
I don’t get the difference.
I saw my dog walk over sandpaper...
All he had to say was Rough Rough!
I asked the missus how to turn Alexa off.
She said: How about walking through the room naked?
My wife just stopped and said, You werent even listening, were you? I thought, that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.
What did Mike Tyson say after working out with Chris Hemsworth?
I accidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water this morning.
I made it half way to work before I realised I forgot my car.
Ha – Mildly amusing
Haha – Funny
Hahaha – Sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – Stayin alive
For his birthday, Watson bought Holmes a compact, 12" chessboard... the game is a-foot.
Everyone at our wedding cried. Even our wedding cake was in tiers.
A writer approached me today acting strange and asked me to help him find his back garden… I think he’s lost the plot.
So I went to see a UB40 tribute act called ‘WD40’ last night.
They were a bit rusty at first but got better as the evening went on…
Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Me: “and?”
So I always get my pizza delivered.
I've no idea why they put liver on it in the first place.