This is the best thread ever. Has really helped my game.
I really need to get up, but I don’t want to hurt my couch’s feelings.
My pet mouse Elvis died last night…..
He was caught in a TRAP 🙏
Took me 30 minutes to take my wife’s bra off last night.
I regret putting it on to be honest. 🥳
Fred complained, I've found a button in my salad.
The waiter replied, That's all right, Sir, it's part of the dressing.
I had a crazy dream last night I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
Turns out it was just a Fanta sea. 🐅
Baby Changing Stations are the biggest hoax. The parents always come out with the same kid.
I just farted on my wallet… guess I have gas money now 🙃
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines, but catscan…
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, Your glass is empty. Fancy another one? Why would I want two empty glasses? I asked.
There was a third off all book titles at the local bookshop so I bought a copy of
“The Lion, The Witch.”
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field."
Puzzled, she asked, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I chuckled, "Well, that means...it’s pasture bedtime!"
What do you call a man who cant stand?
What do you call an underwater dog?
Why did the chicken join the band ?
Cause he had the drumsticks 🙏
