Having worked with hundreds of couples as a Relationship Counsellor, it’s common to see couples in the position of stalemate.

As I covered here, this inability to resolve an issue or negotiate a way forward from the position that they find themselves in often stems from the similar underlying traits of the people who behave in a certain way when pressure is applied.

For example, I hear statements and positions such as, “Joel, we are different people, I’m emotional and he’s logical, but when it gets tough, we both become just as stubborn as each other.”

In chess, a stalemate occurs when the player whose turn it is to move has no legal moves available. This results in a draw, meaning neither player wins.

This is the same phenomenon that is seen in relationships.

It isn’t always joint stubbornness that leads people into a stalemate (though it often is); perhaps both people feel they have a justified gripe as to why they should “get the win” on this issue or position?

For example, sometimes people like to compare their struggles, believing that simply having a harder lot in life should see them get what they want.

Or, there are those people who fight (or negotiate) using logic, so that the other person not only has to try and negotiate, not just with the person they love, but also against a never-ending supply of data!

People often use emotion to get what they want. I’m going to trump you with my emotions by yelling, screaming, crying, etc., until you give in!

And, couples who consistently find their way into a position of stalemate are more likely to keep doing it because every time they try to negotiate, they are starting closer to their vulnerability or trait (such as stubbornness).

There is a muscle memory there that makes them ready for a fight or a stalemate before the negotiation has even started!

Naturally, these almost always unhealthy negotiating tactics are met with an equal and opposite reaction.

This is, of course, a perfect representation of Newton’s third law of motion, namely, when one object exerts a force on another object, the second object exerts an equal force back on the first object, but in the opposite direction.

So, what can be done differently?

Well, I’m sorry to be blunt, but we need to wise up first.

Here are a few things to consider:

Are we actually in a stalemate over a particular issue, or does what we have on our plates have deeper meaning? For example, am I using this issue to show you that I’m unhappy or frustrated about something else?

A person under stress is going to be more emotional and less reasonable, thus making them more likely to exhibit their negative negotiation traits.

Am I scared of letting up control? Many people are hyper-focused on controlling all aspects of their lives. The thought of actually letting go of a situation and simply trusting another can be a new experience for a person.

Could there be some truth in the argument that you (or they) keep you in this position (or keep coming back to this position) because this is the only time you (or they) have your (or their) focused attention?

Are you hooked on pain? In other words, does getting to the position of stalemate and negative emotional arousal in yourself have an all too familiar feeling? Sometimes, we don’t know how to live without the dark feelings we have experienced all our lives.

Lastly, maybe you just aren’t a skilled negotiator!

Negotiation is where we need to use our ‘Adult’. The adult, in Transactional Analysisterms, is an ego state (or behavioural position) that centres around being open and willing to shelve excessive emotions and logic (so, ‘Parent’ and ‘Child’ bits of our personality are put in their place) and be prepared to negotiate and compromise.

Think of negotiation like a door frame that only one person can fit through at a time. What you are trying to do is work out who goes through first this time (remembering that we are trying to set ourselves up so that the other person gets a fair chance to go through first next time).

The adult might even start a negotiation with an internal negotiation around just how important this issue is to them. They might think something like “Well, I love this person and the new paint colour in that bedroom does seem to mean more to them than me, so I will let them go through the door first this time.”

If this attitude is reciprocated by the other party, then we have magic!

Naturally, if this scenario were to play out, these people would be more likely to keep up these behaviours (building new muscle memory), and ideally, they would verbally recognise the compromise that their partner has been willing to make, and explain what it means to them – this is called ‘positive reinforcement’.

Or, the person might be looking for an opportunity to create a short-term compromise or agreement to trial a certain position or strategy, but having an agreement to revisit the topic after a certain point in time (in my opinion, more than 50% of issues that partners present to me in stalemate are around decisions that don’t need to be made today).

A good negotiator always leaves some wiggle room. Do you do this for your partner? Are you a fair negotiator? If your partner were asked by a third person about your negotiation skills, would they describe you as being “fair”?

Stalemates can be a bad habit that stems from poor personal and partner awareness, and a lack of skills, all leading to poor behaviours, lousy gameplay, the creation of division between the two people, and the erosion of something so vitally important between humans – goodwill.

What is ‘goodwill’ in a relationship?

Goodwill is showing kindness toward both yourself and your partner. It is an indication that you are willing to make sacrifices for the good of ‘us’, and that you are open to growing and learning as a person and as a partner.

When we negotiate poorly, we start to eat away at that goodwill, and once it is gone, sometimes we can never get it back.

So, play fair. Come to the table looking for a win-win outcome (remembering that win-lose is just lose-lose delayed), leave some wiggle room, and if a stalemate starts to happen and just can’t be resolved, ask for some help from someone like me.

https://withalittlehelp.com.au/healthy-partners-avoid-stalemates/