Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed?
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian, well...
They're not laughing now.
When you're waiting for the waiter...
You become the waiter.
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face.
My parents are the worst…
I took my car in for a service the other day. It is still stuck inside the church doors.
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of lipstick.
She's still not talking to me.
So my co worker just said: "You shouldn’t eat red meat!"
I said: "My grandfather lived to be 100yrs old."
He said: "Did he eat red meat?"
I said: "No, he minded his own business."
A duck was about to cross the road, when a chicken looked at him and said, “Don’t do it man, you’ll never hear the end of it.”
I've been having trouble sleeping.
Someone suggested counting sheep, but after 3 hours standing in the paddock I'm still awake.
A smart man doesn't argue with a woman …. He takes her shoe shopping.
Today I yelled into a colander. I strained my voice.
"Penultimate" is my second-favourite word.
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant.
Therefore, chocolate is salad.
Salads are on everyones diet! (you're welcome!)
What do you call a funny mosquito?
What do you call a modest insect?