Dad Humour

My son turned 4 today, but when I saw him I didn't recognise him.

I had never seen him be 4.

Two monkeys shared an Amazon account. They were Prime mates.

One bird can't finish an entire bowl of Fruit Loops......but Toucan

My friend is a retired high school math teacher. Now he's dealing with the aftermath.

I had a hen who could count her own eggs. She was a mathemachicken.

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

I have been telling everyone I know about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

Lance is a fairly uncommon name these days. But during medieval times, guys were named Lance a lot.

I have a legitimate fear of giants

its a Feefiphobia. 

I heard Jamaicans don't use keys...Because they dread locks.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

I just got a new job at a prison library It has its prose and cons.

A genie granted me one wish, so I said "I just want to be happy." Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
Wait for it….
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
Just then….
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

Someone posted they had just baked some synonym buns. I replied, you mean just like the ones grammar used to make?