Dad Humour

Went for a job interview today at IKEA.

The manager said: “Come in, make a seat.”

My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns. Well, toucan play at that game.

What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?

If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough...

… the vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

What's the hardest thing about being a cross-eyed teacher?

What do you call a guy with kids in Holland?

I finally quit drinking for good..

Now I drink for evil.

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

What did the New Zealand Nuclear Physicist have for lunch?

I saw “how to get rid of stubborn belly fat” in my wife’s search history even though I asked her to stop calling me that.

I took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD and now it’s fine.

What did the scientist say when he found two helium atoms?

I bought a box of animal crackers. Sadly, I had to return them because the seal was broken.

I went to the doctors recently. He said: Don’t eat anything fatty.

I said: What, like bacon and burgers?

He said: No fatty, don’t eat anything.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?