Went for a job interview today at IKEA.
The manager said: “Come in, make a seat.”
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns. Well, toucan play at that game.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough...
… the vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
What's the hardest thing about being a cross-eyed teacher?
What do you call a guy with kids in Holland?
I finally quit drinking for good..
Now I drink for evil.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
What did the New Zealand Nuclear Physicist have for lunch?
I saw “how to get rid of stubborn belly fat” in my wife’s search history even though I asked her to stop calling me that.
I took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD and now it’s fine.
What did the scientist say when he found two helium atoms?
I bought a box of animal crackers. Sadly, I had to return them because the seal was broken.
I went to the doctors recently. He said: Don’t eat anything fatty.
I said: What, like bacon and burgers?
He said: No fatty, don’t eat anything.
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
