Men, if you want to find contentment in life, I believe you should start by looking at these four fundamental principles.
My position on this stems from both years of experience counselling countless men and my personal experience.
It has dawned on me that men who consistently have difficulties in life are often not achieving all four of these principles.
And, this is no way a criticism of those who don’t; firstly, no one has ever shown them a different path, and secondly, many of the opposites to these traits can stem from just being a good person.
Nonetheless, embracing these fundamentals can be a path to a better life and better relationships.
These are my Four Fundamentals For Happier and Healthier Men:
Embrace Your Realities
If you’re facing a significant challenge, denying that you are in this position is unlikely to help you improve the situation.
For example, you might have married someone who you find can be inconsistent and unpredictable. Embracing that reality is accepting that there are some challenges in loving the person.
So, accepting that you might need to do some work to better navigate through those difficulties. A deep study into why the person might be like that, what’s going on in their world, and how you might be making the situation worse.
Embracing your realities is getting to know yourself.
Maybe through some self-examination (most likely with a guide), you may come to realise that a big part of the reason why you get so hurt is because you are more sensitive to being abandoned than you realised.
If that is your reality, that might start to change the way you behave (how you react) to certain situations. Perhaps your expectations will change?
Elizabeth Denham, Author and Relationship Expert, agrees, saying that embracing your reality is the key to happiness.
“I believe that the ability not only to accept your situation, but to embrace it, is the only way you can begin to set and follow your own path and to find sustainable happiness.
“What does it mean to embrace your reality? It means that you accept what is. It means you know who you are, where you are and what you want. It means you recognize that the only one who can make you happy is you. The only one who can change your life is you. That blame and anger only serve to defeat you, not the person you blame and have anger toward.”
Have a Plan B
No matter how new his aircraft is, how well serviced, how technologically advanced, a pilot always has a Plan B.
If the pilot who is flying you across the Pacific Ocean doesn’t have a backup plan ready to go, a strategy to survive an unexpected issue, then they are likely to start feeling stressed.
For example, if the pilot is thinking, “Gee, if we had an engine malfunction here, there would be no way for me to save the aircraft”, then their pulse would be up and stresslevels would be increased, meaning that they aren’t best prepared to do the smartest thing if something does go wrong.
That is why there is always an agreed Plan B, and often a Plan C as well.
Yet, in our daily lives, people often don’t adopt the same strategy, and that means they really, really need the situation they are in to work – and this can significantly impact the way they perform.
An example, again, would be in relationships where one person is saying to the other, “You can never leave me”.
To me, that sounds like a prison sentence!
The best relationships are often those that include two people who choose each other and the relationship, and stay because they are happy, not because they are forced or obligated to.
Plan B doesn’t have to be ruminating on getting a divorce! But simply looking at things more flexibly.
For example, “Ok, we are having some communication issues, and it appears that we aren’t finding a way forward. Perhaps we should ask someone to help us?”
Or, “We had our hopes set on going to Hawaii for a holiday this year, but the U.S. dollar is making it more expensive than we thought; perhaps we should consider Phuket instead?”
Naturally, a savings account that holds enough money for your bills for a few months is also a great contingency plan, and could help you feel much more settled and safe.
Life is so much better when you can bounce back to your next favourable plan.
Like, as an example, Paul Ellis. Paul suffered injuries to his legs that led to a double amputation. But, despite this significant setback to his life, the father of two crawled up the UK’s highest mountain in 2021.
In doing this amazing feat, Paul Ellis not only conquered the mountain but raised money for charity in the process.
Find Healthy Dopamine Hits
We have a built-in reward system that works in a really basic and obvious way, but we need to be more aware of it.
We get a Dopamine hit when we know we can do something, and then a second Dopamine hit when we do it.
What is Dopamine? Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that is released by our bodies when we experience something pleasurable, and it helps reinforce those behaviours by making us want to repeat them.
As an example of how to enjoy the benefits of this, I use the metaphor of a car with a flat tyre.
If you see that your car has a flat tyre and you know how to fix the problem – Dopamine. Fix it, more Dopamine! Call out roadside assistance, and who gets the Dopamine? That’s right, the technician.
Don’t know how to change a flat tyre? Learn!
Transpose this across other areas of your life, such as relationships. Say and do the loving, calm and constructive thing, rather than the dumb, harsh and destructive thing, and you will enjoy that sweet rush of Dopamine.
As Jordan Peterson says, the whole world changes, and can be changed, when we start doing things properly.
Grow your knowledge and your skills (even just the pursuit of both is a Dopamine hit) and start to enjoy the benefits.
Work With Your Male Brain, not against it
The last one is very much a nod to the other principles – it’s about embracing the fact that you have a brain that works a certain way, whether you like it or not.
As mentioned in this post regarding the male and female brain, men almost never consistently achieve the best results when they try to function as though they have a female brain.
The female brain has the innate ability to process multiple thoughts and calculations simultaneously. Yours does not.
Men, all too often, think they can keep up, and this means they take on too much mental load, and don’t work with what they have – a brain that delivers great results when being methodical and focused singularly on each problem, issue or challenge as it arises.
In the process, getting that Dopamine and getting out of our emotional brain and back to where we function best – the frontal cortex.
This method or approach, when used correctly, also helps to be a great counterbalance to the female brain. And while it suggests rigidity, in fact, it often leads to more flexible thinking and reasoning, such as, “Honey, what is our Plan B on this?”.
Or, as I wrote here, embrace the concept that when sweeping, just sweep.
I hope these fundamentals give you some pause for thought and a possible platform for potential growth.
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